“We are not held back by the love we did not receive in the past; but by the love we do not extend in the present.” – Marianne Williamson
How attractive a man is proportional to his confidence. The more confident he is, the more attractive he will be, regardless of situation. The less confidence he has, the less attractive he will be.
There are true forms of confidence and false forms of confidence. Most people practice False Confidence. False Confidence is trying to impress others, being domineering and intimidating, showing off, overcompensating, seeking attention and validation, or performing instead of actually being.
True Confidence is the comfort in the knowledge that you’re a valuable and respectable man whether other people recognize it or not. True Confidence is expressing your ideas and values and interests without shame or inhibition.
True Confidence is sexy and irresistible. False Confidence is complicating and creates more suffering.
Women don’t judge a man’s status by the car he drives or how many VIP tables he buys. They judge it by his behavior, and the behavioral trait they pick up on is confidence, True Confidence.
True Confidence infiltrates all behaviors. The lack of True Confidence also infiltrates all behaviors. It defines and resonates in everything you say and do, the way you stand, the way you smile, the people you associate with, the car you drive, the wine you drink, the jacket you wear.
Confidence itself isn’t new in relationship advice or social dynamics. It’s kind of a catch-all term to signify everything that makes someone sure of themselves. Its meaning is murky and most people don’t really know how to describe it unless they see it.
Women, in particular, are notorious for doling out the banal advice, “Just be confident,” as if that actually meant something.
But here I will be clear in my definition of True Confidence: being less invested in other people’s perceptions of you than your perception of yourself. Let me say that again: True Confidence is being less invested in other people’s perceptions of you than in your perception of yourself.
A lack of True Confidence causes you to chronically seek validation and approval from others since you don’t give it to yourself. The way to build True Confidence is to invest more in oneself.
Women are generally only attracted to men who are less invested in them than they are in themselves. B y investment I mean the degree to which you sacrifice/alter your own thoughts/feelings/motivations for someone else. By less I mean that as a man, you should sacrifice your thoughts/feelings/motivations for a woman less than she is willing to do for you.
That may sound cold, un-PC, and yes, it made me squirm a little bit when I first realized it. But it’s true. As humans, we’re wired to be drawn to people who value their self perception more than our perception of them. Think of the most confident people you know and you’ll see it’s true.
Think about it, for the majority of human history, men had few material possessions for women to judge their status by. Therefore women watched men’s behavior. Ask yourself what kind of behavior would indicate to a woman that a man is high status and fit to raise her children? These are the men who would be sexually selected over the course of hundreds of thousands of years.
Would it be a man who defers to all of the other men around him, who begs the women to be with him, who can’t stand up for himself and whose emotions are dictated by those around him? Or would it be the man who does what he wants, is unfazed by the threats others may pose to him and who shrugs if he pursues a woman and she has no interest in him?
The second man indicates a man of status. If you’re at the top of the food chain, you have no reason to be inhibited or to defer to others (unless you want to). If you’re at the bottom of the food chain, your entire life will revolve around the deferring to others.
The high status man displays True Confidence. The low status man displays little of it.
True Confidence is not consciously calculated by women, or people in general. I guarantee you will not see women walking around with confidence scorecards any time soon. Confidence is felt. It’s intuited by women. It’s instinctual. Women unconsciously detect it by watching a man’s behavior carefully. It’s why women can often become turned off at the most innocuous moment or by the most unimportant statement. Consciously, the action or statement may seem harmless, but unconsciously, it conveyed everything they need to know about your status: by your lack of confidence.
As you are probably aware, women can be unconfident as well. And although a lack of confidence is a turn-off for most men, it’s not as influential as it is for most women.
To most women, a man with True Confidence is like a woman with perfect tits and a gorgeously sculpted ass. To a woman, a man with no confidence is like having the worst breath and missing teeth.
Ideally, two emotionally healthy individuals will begin a relationship both with low investments in one another and they will steadily let the investment deepen as the relationship grows. In a healthy relationship, the gap in investment between the two parties would never grow too far apart and both man and woman should never let their investment in the other person ever surpass their investment in themselves.
This should not be mistaken for NOT being invested in the other person. If a man is attracted to a woman, then he should be affected by her – that’s why he’s with her, after all – but never more than she is by him. The minute he lets her dominate him emotionally, he demonstrates a lack of True Confidence and a lack of status. He’s no longer dependable. He loses his ability to make her feel secure. And his attractiveness slowly slips out the window.
But let’s put this into concrete, real-world terms. Here are a couple examples.
Jim is a nice guy. But he tends to be needy in his relationships and has what we would call a high level of investment with any woman that he meets.
Whenever he dates a woman, he will rearrange his entire schedule at her whim. He will buy her gifts and spend most of his paycheck on the nicest dinners for her. He’ll forgo plans with his guy friends and if the woman he dates gets angry, he’ll sit patiently and listen to her vent all of her frustrations to him indefinitely. Even when he feels that she’s being irrational or treating him unfairly, he won’t say anything because he doesn’t want her to be upset with him.
As a result, despite caring for him, Jim’s girlfriends rarely respect him. And sooner or later — usually sooner — they dump him. When Jim gets dumped, he becomes distraught and depressed. He’s often inconsolable and drinks too much. Usually he doesn’t feel better again until he meets another woman and the entire cycle repeats itself.
Then there’s Jeff. Jeff has been successful with women for his entire life and has a very low level of investment in them. Jeff enjoys going out with his friends and pays no attention to whether the women around him approve of him or not. At times he annoys or offends some girls, but since he’s not paying attention to what they think of him, it doesn’t bother him.
But other times girls become quite attracted to Jeff. When Jeff notices, if he finds them attractive, he’ll take their number and ask them out. When he takes them out, he takes them to the park down the street from his flat. He then sits there and chats with them for a while and if he doesn’t like them, he’ll get up and leave. If he does like them, he might take them to grab a beer with him. If at any point she decides she doesn’t like him and leaves, Jeff doesn’t really mind. He figures that he wouldn’t have been happy with her anyway, so why change himself to please her?
Jeff ends up sleeping with a lot of women. His phone is constantly ringing with texts from them, but he only answers them when he feels like it. He’s never rude or nasty to them. But he only makes time for the ones he genuinely enjoys spending time with. You could say Jeff is benevolently selfish with the women in his life.
Jim has a high level of emotional investment in the women he meets and dates. He’s very needy. He immediately enslaves what little of his identity he’s aware of to what he believes will make women like him.
Jeff has a low level of investment. He’s content with his life and proud of who he is. He’s not needy. If a woman doesn’t appreciate that, then he figures he’s better off without her.
Obviously, simply not caring what others think is not a cure-all for your women problems. It gets more complicated than that. But for now, it’s important to lay this foundation.
Women, as if with a sixth sense, detect Jeff’s lower level of emotional investment because it informs all of his decisions and behaviors. Jeff is a high self-esteem individual who takes care of himself and is therefore able to be himself around others. Jim is not. Within moments of speaking to Jeff, and often before even speaking to him, they sense that not only does he have a strong sense of identity, but he’s unwilling to compromise that identity for her. This sub communicates his high status to them and elicits attraction. How Jeff communicates this will be discussed in other posts.
But ask women and they will tell you that they can immediately tell if a man’s “got it,” or if he doesn’t. They don’t know what “it” is, but they know if he has it or not. That “it” that they intuitively know in their gut the second they see him walk, hear him talk, or look him in the eye is his level of investment relative to her, and therefore his level of True Confidence.
If this all seems impractical so far, don’t worry. The majority of this blog is based on how to get “it” and how to convey “it” with women immediately, regardless of what you actually say or do.